Don’t get me wrong, every single fanbase has their crazies on the message boards. I read a ton of different teams boards, pay and free, and have a good feel for most fanbases nuances. I will go on record that Ole Miss pay boards have the strangest collection of grown men who act like 3 year olds I have ever seen. Pre-school joke after pre-school joke and the masses lap it up. There is also this borderline insane element. I won’t name names but recently a banker in the delta was sent to federal prison for blatant stealing. He announced his going to prison on the board and 100+ responses of “prayers sent” and request for his prison address so he could receive “rebel updates”. It defies rational thinking.
That brings us to today’s nonsense I stumbled across. A poster by the name of “DickieVegas” lays out a plot where a law firm has proposed a plan to pay for Ole Miss fans to troll MSU fans full time. They want folks to troll all message boards, twitter, YouTube, Facebook, Clarion Ledger comment sections, and more. They say they will pay for all the access to the boards and pay for these services and updates. It’s funny how pathetic this is. Below is his post in its entirety and and equally insane follow up post. They are completely obsessed and the last paragraph I bolded shows that they are psychotic.
“This post will be short and to the point. By “short and to the point” I actually mean “long and confusing”. Some might even say pointless. If that’s not your thing, I encourage you to stop reading now. If you continue you may wonder ‘how bored (or stupid perhaps) I must be to make a post like this. If you have ever attended a two day, 36 hour girls fast-pitch softball tournament…with several hours between games…sitting outside w/no internet…you will have your answer. This is pretty much my best entertainment option at the moment. (Note-For this post, the term “troll” is used to describe anyone who tries to aggravate someone from a rival school.)
On to the Business of Trolling…I’ve got a buddy who is passionate about ‘trolling’ all things Mississippi State. Whether it’s Twitter, C-L Comment Sections, Youtube, Pay Sites, whatever…he will use any/all forms of interweb communication to aggravate Bulldogs and laugh at their expense. But he has a ‘problem’. He recently made partner at his law firm so his workload has increased. He also has a wife and young daughter. As a result, he is unable to spend as much time as he’d like (fulfilling his obligation as a die-hard Rebel) harassing State fans so he called me to discuss a solution to his situation.
He asked if I’d be interested in doing some Troll work on his behalf. He offered to pay a monthly fee, cover all membership/subscription costs, and even suggested he’s open to bonuses for “the really good stuff.” In return, I would perform various trolling activities. I told him the offer was extremely tempting, but it just wasn’t feasible due to the time commitment necessary to do it right…unless I had a few more ‘clients/contracts.’
Neither of us were serious (or I wasn’t at least). A few days later he called and said “if you can send an update/report covering the highlights of the week’s trolling activities I’ve got a couple of guys at my firm who would pay for access.” At this point, it was obvious that he was only half-joking, or possibly even completely serious. When I told him I knew very little about troll consulting/contracting”, he asked “why not? I thought you’ve done a lot of online strategy consulting.” I asked him if it was even legal and he said, “Probably so. Need to find that out though from an attorney.” I just laughed and said I will perform the proper due diligence on everything we discussed (and by due diligence I mean drinking pretty heavily and talking about it with a few equally intoxicated, State-hating, Ole Miss loving friends).
After some intense debate, we came to the following conclusion. This idea was…Brilliant! We all agreed we would pay someone to antagonize State fans on the web, especially if they were good. We decided this was quite possibly the best idea since http://www.BetOnTheWeather.com (You probably haven’t heard of this but it would’ve revolutionized the gambling industry if not for some damn government regulations and a slight lack of funding-I still say there is no way anyone would’ve hit the Billion-dollar 50 state annual snowfall parlay to the inch…so we really didn’t need that much payout cash). Besides, I’ve done a lot worse things for a paycheck than spending a few hours on the internet making fun of State.
After an afternoon on the Reservoir (and several Coronas along with a couple of reddish orange, semi-iced rum fruit drinks) I came to the conclusion that not only was I in, I was going to turn the (non-existent) professional trolling industry upside down. I would assemble a diverse team of all-star talent and utilize their unique strengths to create the ultimate troll. Instead of one sad sack taking on a dozen posters, we would use a dozen posters to troll one idiot . No more obvious troll is obvious. No more rookie-ass posting during free trial periods. No more of “the one-man army of old and annoying” approach to antagonize the hell out of folks they”ve never even met-over and over and over. Definitely no poser trollers like cbuck.
Much like Freeze is doing with the Rebel football team, we will implement an uptempo, full internet spread system…a team-first approach with multiple individuals working together to accomplish one objective-making State fans/homer journalists/coaches online experience as miserable as possible due to constant embarrassment/anger thanks to our perfectly-timed, strategic attacks. I’m talking about getting rednecks so mad they will establish an actual meeting time/place to prove their internet badass-ness then we’ll send them a video of how stupid they looked with their shirt off outside of the Bass Pro parking lot in Pearl looking for that Ole Miss asshole in the white, 2012 F150.
It’s almost time to assemble the team. We’ll need spotters, lurkers, smart a$$es, nice guys, pot stirrers, peace promoters, the best GIF-ers, photoshop specialists, wordsmiths, historians/researchers/googlers, sunshine pumpers, grammer police, coach haters, poor spellers, homers, apologists, realists, optimists, pessimists, and a handful of people who actually know what they are talking about (if we have too many knowledgeable, informed, & rational posters we will be immediately exposed…remember, most of this will be done on sports message boards so dumb is better). Oh, a few attorneys are a must. Maybe more than a few. One more thing, anyone with even one day of Mod experience is not eligible. Real trolls don’t email Mods unless you are trolling them of course. That is encouraged. Otherwise, they are the enemy.
Lastly, we might consider operating as a non-profit and donating all profits (which could be as much as hundreds of dollars annually) either to Ole Miss Athletic Foundation or one of the various football, basketball or baseball fund-raising groups . And that is non-negotiable. If anyone even suggests contributing even one dollar to Academics you are out.
There are several Rebelgrovers I’d like to discuss their joining “Rent-A-Troll” in some capacity. Will start posting a list soon but a few targets are listed below. Also registered the following domains and Twitter accounts: “Troll Sharks,” “Troll-Mart,” and finally “MicroTroll”…
Some of possible 5-star Troll Team Prospects Include:
-BubbaCav (obvious reasons)
-Chance (shouldn’t need an explanation here either)
-WPMan (I know it’s not your style but with your skills and the right team you could be the Ultimate Troll)
-TexasRebel1987 (excellent w/one liners, skilled GIF-er, can spot dumb posts without even clicking on the thread)
-Colonel (Already showing solid troll potential but even brighter future due to desire, having a tremendous off-season)
-Grove (I’m guessing there might be a few Bulldog Reps. potential for high entertainment value)
-Bilbo (Info, legendary contributor, need at least one level-head, will have to forget Hog Hating, focus on Dog Hating)
-Chess(high-level wit; few Dogs will even get his jokes;ideal for trolling; has an MSU Alum ever won a State Chess Title? )
-Rebel Man (Lead fandom extremist trainer. If he can get trolls to defend all-things State with his same passion look out!)
-OM49/45 (youthful energy, both appear to be proven State Haters and committed posters).
Seriously, it’s not the WORST idea ever. Definitely not on this board. Now the post itself could be, but I blame the heat. Professional trolling services…that is the future of anonymous online/social media harassment ….”
Here is his follow up post:
“Thanks to all the early ‘commits.’ That’s already a pretty strong nucleus. Hopefully this will have a domino effect on others.
And I appreciate those who responded with nice comments.
I like it. Some quantitative analysis would be awesome. (For example, is it better to have 7-8 different trolls rate every State thread a one star for an entire week, or should you just use 7-8 guys and have them give that one poster who actually takes his personal rating seriously and drop 7-8 one stars on every post he makes for that week?) Last sentence was top notch as well.
As far as the cow bells, I think it’s time we put an end to the Janga-Langa-Janga-Langa. That dude getting hit in the head was on the right track. But one State fan and his single cowbell is not enough. That number needs to be in double digits, like a 5-on 5 melee with 10 bells being used as weapons. They don’t have to actually be State fans…as long as they look like them. Anybody get where I’m going with this? If so, I might know a guy…”